A few weeks ago, I wrote a Facebook post about an Elon Musk comment on X (his post was later deleted). When I get political on social media, which is rare, I usually quote a person’s actual words and let them speak for themselves with minimal commentary from me.
Musk’s post:
“Maybe if they tried harder, blind people could see the future. Just saying.”
I commented that his post was insulting to people with vision loss. An acquaintance pushed back and said his comment was metaphorical.
Immediately, my heart started pounding so loudly I could almost hear it in my head. It was a fight or flight response, a mini panic attack.
I've grown a lot in overcoming my people-pleasing since I re-embarked on writing my memoir in 2016. Spilling my truth on the page and reading what I wrote confronted me with how often I placed the needs and desires of others above my own, even to the detriment of my son’s health.
GROWTH in overcoming people-pleasing
I'm better about setting boundaries and speaking up but I'm still conflict-averse/avoidant. (“Averse,” meaning I dislike or fear conflict, i.e., my emotional response; “avoidant,” meaning my behavioral pattern.)
Was my Facebook exchange even really a conflict? I stated my opinion and a person expressed an opposing opinion, as happens in common human discourse. Yet I reacted as if it was a threat.
In trying to unpack my pattern of responding, I’ve concluded that it's a combination of:
Anger. This is my post and you have no right to express your disagreement.
Self-righteousness. How can you possibly not see the truth of what I've said?
Fear. Uh-oh. You’re mad, and that’s scary.
My response was not PTSD from a violent or troubled childhood, because my upbringing was nearly idyllic, except that I never learned how to handle conflict.
I replied to the acquaintance that I didn’t interpret Musk’s post as metaphorical, and that ended our interaction.
I can’t imagine I’m alone in my response to perceived conflict. How do you react to disagreement or conflict? I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments.
In writing news, I’ve again decided to embrace being a writer. It took me a while to own the moniker after I jumpstarted my long-idle memoir nine years ago. Then, a few months ago, I was so burned out by book marketing and jaded by the writing industry that I seriously thought about calling it quits.
Recently, though, I found balance (through sewing, of all things), and I again realized “I am a writer.”
GROWTH in my identity
Even better, I am a writer who writes, and I've had success recently with both paid and unpaid published essays:
Clutter used to cause conflict in my marriage. I had a breakthrough.
Also forthcoming in The Ethel, Writer’s Digest, Business Insider
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Plus, here are two new podcasts I guested on:
About This Life podcast with Ann-Marie Mahoney. From Motherhood to She-Bear: Journey of Courage and Advocacy
Healing Words podcast with Pamela Nichols. Instinct and Inner Healing.
I still haven't decided if I'm done marketing my memoir Growth: A Mother, Her Son, and the Brain Tumor They Survived.
I celebrate that I wrote the book I intended to write and marketed it to the best of my ability. But my book is whispering to me. I need just a little bit more. You're not done with me yet. You worked so hard to spread my message and some readers still need to hear it.
Could this be the Facebook/Instagram effect? I see friends getting agents, landing book deals, selling more books than me. Do I covet their achievements? Or is there really more I need to do?
GROWTH in accepting uncertainty
I don't need to have an answer right now. I’m OK sitting in this liminal space. I know the truth will reveal itself to me at the right time.
Speaking of writer friends and their success,
had a whirlwind of hugely successful launch events last week for her beautiful book The Full Catastrophe. Our critique group—”Writers Tears”—was heavily involved. This is us, left to right: , Casey, me, . I’m honored to call each of these warm, talented, badass writers “friend.”
Thanks for hanging in there almost to the end of this month’s post! I’d hug you if I could, but this gold star will have to suffice: ⭐️
If you’d like to share your thoughts, here you go:
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GROWTH—The book.
Growth: A Mother, Her Son, and the Brain Tumor They Survived.
Medical gaslighting and a mother’s people-pleasing collide, shattering her expectations of motherhood and threatening the survival of her young son.
Karen is a happily married, slightly frazzled working mother of two when her eight-year-old son, Matthew, develops a strange eye-rolling tic. Gradually, her high-energy kid becomes clumsy and lethargic, her “Little Einstein” a gifted program dropout. Karen knows something is wrong. But she can't get anyone to listen and lacks the backbone to crack the resistance. After three exhausting, desperate years, finally, an MRI reveals the truth: a brain tumor, squishing Matthew's brain into a sliver against his skull. Following a delicate surgery, doctors predict a complete recovery. But the damage from the delayed diagnosis prolongs Matthew's recovery, challenging Karen to grow in ways she never imagined.
A fast-paced page-turner told with candor, insight, and wit, Growth takes you on a rollercoaster of painful truths and hard-won transformations.
Available where books are sold or see purchase links here.
Where to listen to GROWTH on audiobook:
More retailers will soon offer my book, so if your favorite listening site isn't included, check back in next month's newsletter.
Oh boy, all sorts of lightbulbs flashed on crazily in my brain as I read this. THIS! This is what happens to me when I am experiencing a perceived conflict (emphasis on the "perceived"). But it doesn't happen with everyone. With most people, I can just shake it off and walk away, no harm, no foul. But with the people I am CLOSEST to, completely different story. I think it's fear of the loss of the relationship. The thought progression is something like: this person whose opinion I hold in the highest of esteems disagrees with me; then the Anger-Self-righteousness-Fear cycle takes a grip of my frontal lobe which disables my ability to THINK, and then I'm picturing myself in the future alone and bereft and clearly WRONG about whatever it was that caused the disagreement. As I sit here and think about it, I realize that pretty much every serious intimate romantic relationship I've had has ended because of this (so the fear that I'll end up alone is not just manufactured fantasy). And I'm still at it. I do take naps, but that feels like running away, and I can't knit the way I used to because of shoulder issues. Ideas?
I can relate to your response, and I’ve struggled mightily with these same feelings. You self-analyze it well and then write it better—and to me, this qualifies you as both a writer and advisor to wanna be writers. I, for one, value your ideas and analyses!
Write on! But enjoy your naps and knitting.